the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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