hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
