I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
