I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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