he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
