Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
