This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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