was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
