Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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