Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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