im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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