forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
