I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
