I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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