apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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