it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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