How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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