the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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