It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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