Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
