i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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