i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
