i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
