you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
