I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
