I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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