Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
