I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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