cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
