if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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