Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
