She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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