just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
