I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
