Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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