True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
