I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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