i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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