Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
