So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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