This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
