well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
