There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
