RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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