I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
