Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
