Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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