What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize