did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
