There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
