im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
