Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
