he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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