Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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