You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
