you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
