Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
