You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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