can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
